Reflecting on Therapy and Personal Growth
After talking with her, we have decided to extend our consultation to once a month. She asked me how I would feel if I didn’t see her for the next few weeks, and I said I might feel lonely. She laughed and replied that in reality, our relationship isn’t very deep, as I do not consider her my friend, and from her perspective, maybe she also doesn’t view me as someone special. Sometimes, I wonder if she will forget me soon because, among the people she has seen, I seem to be one with relatively mild symptoms, which might make her think less of me; perhaps she should focus more on helping those in greater need. Our relationship is a medical-patient one: she is my doctor, and I trust her enough to expose my darkest secrets in hopes of her aid. Nothing else.
Despite everything, now I seem to feel a bit sad, not just because we might have to part ways, but because I realize that she, like a lighthouse in the darkness, guides ships approaching the shore. Lighthouses don’t receive any recognition for their work; it’s simply what they do. She interacts with and helps too many people, so will she feel lonely? Before leaving, I wanted to hold her, but then I reconsidered, afraid that my feelings were too one-sided. Maybe next time, bring her a small gift.
I have always believed that therapy doesn’t work for me because I have tried self-correction countless times without much success, and I only realized that human nature is difficult to change. However, looking back at my diary written a year ago, there are indeed some profound changes in myself. My depression has improved, no longer getting bogged down in self-criticism and rejection; I can let go of those chains that have been hindering my progress (and perhaps the medication also played a role). I can largely control my anxiety, and when bad things are about to happen, I don’t stay up at night or feel overwhelmed. In fact, most of these changes were not due to specific techniques; although I learned some from her, they aren’t essential for my current situation.
I was neither here nor there, but perhaps my biggest struggle was recognizing that depression and anxiety no longer mattered to methey had taken so much of my energy that the moment everything seemed lost was actually when things began to improve. Now, many things seem unnecessary in my lifemy work isn’t doing well; I can’t see my family; I fear pain; even if I die soon, it won’t matter in the end. Ultimately, living is not about enduring all these sorrows.
