Mood Improvement and Reflection on Life
Today’s mood has improved somewhat. I worked in the morning, had lunch with a friend at a restaurant, played table games, and watched two movies by the evening. Whenever I ate or played table games, my mind was highly concentrated, and the more focused I became, the easier my body felt. Even though I rarely felt happy, some fun would escape through small gaps; I was satisfied when I could catch a little of it. Although my mind occasionally Flashed back to unpleasant things, having been exposed to sunlight for days, my mood had somewhat improved. While this is not news worth celebrating, it indicates that the world has not completely fallen apart in my perceptionit only affects how I view myself. Some positive notions influence my actions, while others are negative; various factors like time of day, sunlight exposure, and environment all impact my mindset.
The notion of sadness or anxiety has no right to dictate what is going on in this worldI can choose whether to accept it or reject it as a truth. Sometimes I believe in positive notions, other times in negative oneseach influenced by time, environment, and personal circumstances. Sadness is like an epidemic; it cannot be eradicated entirely, but important things should be recorded so that one does not forget. Just now, while waiting at this coffee shop to watch a movie later, the sunlight was plentiful, my coffee was delicious, the books I brought were clean, people came and went nearby, all part of ordinary life.
The last thing I recall was seeing a film with roommatesthe theater seemed to have only us two plus two others in the very back row. The end scene of this movie felt like the ending to " " (Yin Xian’s “Heat”). The movie was excellent, but my heart could not shake the feeling of impending loss that was constantly recurringan empty pit that I struggled to fill with soul descent. After returning to the dormitory and spending a while there, I could not bear this feeling because of its weight upon me. When I saw people having normal lives around me, it made me feel confused, weary, and disoriented. Though today afternoon’s exposure to sunlight had somewhat brightened my mood, by evening after finishing both movies, I still felt a sense of loss, possibly due to most colleagues and roommates already returning home.
Now that I think about it, every day I spend time with friends seems endlessyet when reflecting on these encounters, they feel so distant. The chaos of pedestrian traffic, the dim lighting of the cinema, the emptiness of night, the warmth from an office heated by a central air conditioning system, and my cozy roomall of this makes me wonder where exactly I am living right now. Am I just a mind floating in time? Am I just a memory stored away in my mind when I think about others? Now I feel like standing on a wheel of never-ending change before me.
The two films I watched today were both family dramas. They brought back many childhood memories. It seems that the onset of depression during my Ph.D. studies may not be entirely coincidental, though it had appeared earlier in my life without fault. I remember how during elementary school, my mother had just come home late after dinner when I was waiting at the gate all by myself, worried about her because she lost some money playing slot machines. I also recall a time in early middle school when I was listening to an MP3 player while hiding under my bed, cryingI don’t remember what exactly made me cry; it was simply a flood of emotionssadness and grief. But how could a child have such feelings?
